Broken Coverage

AN IRREVERENT LOOK AT ALL THINGS SAID, CONSIDERED, TWEETED, POSTED, PHOTOGRAPHED, PLAYED AND OTHERWISE GONE AMUCK IN COLLEGE SPORTS

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Please indulge a simple-minded sportswriter as he attempts to do some simple math. And then we'll discuss the craziness of it. Seven college coaches were recently fired and will be paid a total of $62.9 million in buyout clauses. That is money to make those coaches go away and NOT coach at their respective schools:

Jim Mora (UCLA): $12 million

Todd Graham (Arizona State) $12.3 million

Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M) $10.4 million

Jim McElwain (Florida) $7.5 million

Butch Jones (Tennessee): $8.2 million

Mike Riley (Nebraska): $6.6 million

Bret Bielema (Arkansas): $5.9 million.

But that's not the half of it. The University of Tennessee fired Jones, paid him $8.2 to get lost, and then agreed with Greg Schiano to a "memorandum of understanding." It became a huge misunderstanding, though, when Knoxville revolted to the idea of Schiano becoming coach. So now Tennessee and Schiano are legal wrangling over the cost of that mistake, which could cost the school millions more. And then, remember, Tennessee has to hire a new coach who will be awarded a huge contract before winning (or losing) his first game.

This week, in Nuts-ville, Tenn., shows you just how out of berserk college football has become.

The coaches amassed a total record of 247-179 for a cumulative winning percentage of .5798.

This is basically Ron McBride's career winning percentage at the University of Utah: .5828. Or George Welsh at Virginia (.5877), or slightly worse than Dan Hawkins at Boise State (.5902).

The United States, in 1803, purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for roughly $15 million. A Nobel Prize winner earns $1.1 million. And John Wooden, who won 10 NCAA basketball titles at UCLA, earned $40,500 in his final season as coach. Of course that salary would have to be adjusted for inflation.[membership level="0"] The rest of this article is available to subscribers only - to become a subscriber click here.[/membership] [membership]

Frost Warning

Breaking news in Lincoln, Neb: Scott Frost's mother would love to see her son come home to coach at Nebraska.

Film at 11? You bet.

FrostMom

Hurricane Dodge Ball 

Let me see if I've got this straight:

Florida State canceled its Sept. 9 home game against Louisiana Monroe because of Hurricane Irma.

And Miami canceled its Sept. 9 game at Arkansas State because of Hurricane Irma.

Florida State, however, has "un-canceled" the game because it needs a sixth win to extend a consecutive bowl streak that dates to 1982.

Coach Jimbo Fisher said "Both teams deserve to play their 12th game of the season."

But Miami is not rescheduling its game because, in this case, neither team deserves to play a 12th game. Miami clearly does not want to risk a loss as it chases a spot in the College Football Playoff.

Florida State was able to reschedule La. Monroe this Saturday, the same day of the ACC title game.

Miami insists there was no way to reschedule Arkansas State because the Hurricanes ARE playing Clemson on Saturday for the ACC title.

Miami fans insist there was no place on the schedule to make up the game because the regular season is over. But wait: Army and Navy are playing on Dec. 9.

To tie this up, it just so happened Arkansas State and Louisiana Monroe played last Saturday, with Ark State winning by the score of 67-50.

In sum, could this be the reason why Florida State wanted to play Louisiana Monroe and why Miami did not want to play Arkansas State?

This is Puuuuurfect 

My apologies to eating and adult-entertainment establishments out there in the news-breaking business. The lesson is don't lump all these places with the lumpy mashed potatoes. Last week I made fun of Calhoun's in Knoxville for having to run a Twitter "retraction" for mistakenly posting that Jon Gruden may have dining in the restaurant for a possible interview for the Tennessee football job. Gruden was actually in Seattle preparing for his ESPN Monday Night Football broadcast.

Yet, it now seems the "Cheetah Lounge" in Atlanta may have had the news first on Joe Moorhead becoming Mississippi State's coach. No, Moorhead wasn't in there to see a pole dance. You're thinking of Mike Price after being named Alabama's coach.

USA Today’s Dan Wolken shared this marvelous tidbit from a Mississippi State fan website after Moorhead, Penn State's offensive coordinator, was named coach. The message board said a stripper from the "Cheetah Lounge" passed on to a customer news that Moorhead was going to be the next Bulldogs coach. The stripper reportedly got the tip from an Uber driver, who overheard a phone conversation between a coach and his agent.

With this news several male sportswriters across America immediately refiled their expense reports to their sports editors.

Crotchety Old Man

Former Oklahoma Coach Barry Switzer came up with most inspired excuse for why quarterback Baker Mayfield grabbed his "Sooner Sack" during a game against Kansas last week. Switzer blamed Mayfield's inappropriate act on the filthy pop culture our children have been, um, exposed to in recent years.

BarrySwitzersnip

Get me Poison Control 

All season Nick Saban warned how much praise from the media, over his team, was infecting his program.

"I'm trying to get our players to listen to me instead of listening to you guys," Saban said after a closer-than-expected win at Texas A&M. "All that stuff you write about how good we are, all that stuff they hear on ESPN, it's like poison. It's like taking poison. Like rat poison."

Now that Alabama has lost to Auburn, however, Saban needs the media to spread the word about just how good his team is. Saban says his one-loss team, despite not winning the SEC West division, is worthy of a spot at the four-team playoff table.

"I think this team deserves the opportunity to be in the playoff by what they've been able to accomplish and what they've been able to do," Saban said.

Some would argue Alabama has actually played the weakest schedule among the playoff contenders, with its best win coming against Louisiana State, a solid team but one that also lost at home to Troy.

Of course, there is lot of merit in what Saban is preaching, too, and anything the media can do to get that word out is greatly appreciated in Tuscaloosa.

FAU Forever

First-year Florida Atlantic coach Lane Kiffin, among college coaches, has officially supplanted Mike Leach as Twitter's biggest troll. It helps that both coaches have had the luxury of nine-win seasons. Leach has been strong all season and has only been slowed recently by a blow-out loss to Washington in the Apple Cup. Leach has pontificated on Big Foot, Aliens, Mascots and most recently gave advice to a writer who was about to be married. Not to be outdone, Kiffin has consistently trolled Nick Saban's "rat poison" quote and recently has had fun with developments at Tennessee, where Kiffin once coached.

LaneWaits

We congratulate Coach Kiffin and Coach Leach on outstanding Twitter seasons.[/membership]

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