Last week was a great week to be a loser--how come nerds never catch breaks like this? Rankman wanted to send Michigan, Clemson and Washington straight to bed without dessert but ended up letting them stay up late, eat cake and watch a Pac 12 game until 2 a.m. Sometimes, though, your hands are tied and there's nothing you can do. That was last weekend. Michigan, Clemson and Washington all lost their first games but there was no corner to put these brats in. How low were you supposed to drop these guys when everybody after No. 6 has two losses or more? You couldn't do anything but say, "You got lucky this time, but if I EVER catch you losing to unranked Iowa again, I swear you're grounded..." So, onward we go into late ranking November.
1: Alabama (10-0): Mixed up Nick voted on Halloween, put candy out on election night and thought Columbus Day was playoff semi vs. Ohio State. (1)
2: Ohio State (9-1): Nebraska, Maryland and Rutgers ask for reinstatement to old leagues after being taken to Woody shed, 182-6. (5)
3: Michigan (9-1): Lost to Iowa, which lost to North Dakota State, which lost to South Dakota State, which lost to Cal Poly, which lost to North Dakota. (2)[membership level="0"] The rest of this article is available to subscribers only - to become a subscriber click here.[/membership] [membership]
4: Clemson (9-1): Last-second win\loss FG recap: kicker from NC State blew it but Pitt kicker named Blewitt made it. (4)
5: Louisville (9-1): National Parks Service classifies 34 points in fourth quarter vs. Wake’s forest as a playoff “beautification” project. (6)
6: Washington (9-1): Rankman thought for sure Rutgers, Portland State and Idaho would toughen up Huskies for USC. (3)
7: Wisconsin (8-2): Ryan nominated by GOP for speaker same week he is also named head of Junior Bucky Badger Club. (7)
8: Oklahoma (8-2): Stoops tells team winning at W.V. may require leaving a few body parts on field at Organtown. (9)
9: LSU (6-3): It is not out of the ordinary for Cajun-born Ed Orgeron to eat an alligator the week his teams play Florida. (10)
10: Penn State (8-2): Holding tie-breaker over Ohio State in Big Ten East almost feels like owning a Willie Wonka golden ticket. (15)
11: Western Michigan (10-0): Will combine with Alabama’s home city to form undefeated college football township of Tuskalamazoosa. (11)
12: Utah (8-2): Is taking in-coming Oregon as seriously as you can take any team allowing opponents 535.7 yards and 43.5 points per game. (12)
13: USC (7-3): Money collected in jar for every time Helton was cursed in September will be used to throw big party before Notre Dame game. (NR)
14: Colorado (7-2): Back end of Buffs bullpen will be severely tested in closing games against Washington State and Utah. (13)
15: West Virginia (8-1): Students arriving drunk for night game against Oklahoma must show 100-proof of identification at gate. (16)
16: Florida (7-2): Closing games vs. LSU, Florida State and possibly Alabama, in tennis terms, could be game, set, match. (NR)
First Four Out
Auburn: Last two wing-and-a-prayer games are against Alabama A&M and Alabama A&Men.
Oklahoma State: Closing games at TCU and at Oklahoma keep Pokes alive in meaningless Big 12 championship race.
Washington State: Program’s only other eight-game winning streak snapped in 1931 Rose Bowl by Alabama’s Great Depression team.
Florida State: Is Jimbo ready to make the jumpo to LSU, or will Coach O beat Florida this week and tell him to go eat a giant circus peanut?
Honorary Poll Bearers
Nebraska (Riley asks out of contract so he can go back and coach against Oregon), Stanford (the Rodney Dangerfarms of no-respect teams), Texas A&M (No shock: Sumlin’s favorite shot in golf is a “fade”), San Diego State (Pumphrey leads nation in rushing), Boise State (leads nation in blue fields).
Next Four Never
Rutgers: Things so bad grad Chris Christie threatening to pull his “Bridge to Nowhere” Endowment scholarship.
Kansas: Only Texas and K-State standing in way of perfect winless Big 12 season.
Rice: If JFK was alive today he’d 86 the Mars program for the same reason “Rice should never play Texas.”
Arizona: Director Rich Rod’s latest movie, “Under the Tucson Sun,” gets panned by Rotten Tomatoes.[/membership]