SURPRISE, Ariz.--Arizona State leads the nation in rush defense and also in rushing from "Not ranked" to No. 12 in Rankman's latest index, which should also cause Big Ten schools to cancel all future contracts at Sun Devils Stadium given the conference is now 0-10 in Tempe Diablo. Fear the Fork or else get Mack the Knifed. ASU great Pat Tillman, a name we remember this week for all obvious reasons, would have been proud of the way the Sun Devil defense played in his old stadium against Michigan State...We'd like to say we saw Herm Edwards coming, but can confess to only "hearing" him coming...Stanford moves up three spots after holding a fall sitcom pilot, "The Heltons," without a touchdown for the first time since the fall of 1941. Folks at USC may be asking "Is this the Fall of Troy?" or just a case of the offensive coordinator not understanding that "Student Body Right" is fine to run on first, second and third downs if the other team can't stop it...Rankman looking forward to "The Heltons," a spin-off of My Three Sons about a dad\coach who must decide which one of his boys should play quarterback for his college team. A fourth son, Chip, ran away from home to play for the crosstown rival! Co-starring William Demarest Jr. as crusty old "Uncle Marv." Havoc breaks loose when Coach Helton starts a should-be high school senior, sporting a porn-mustache, to take on Pop Warner's old team in Palo Alto: Green-lighted over margaritas at original El Cholo on Western as "Son of Flubber meets Francis the Talking Mule."
1: Auburn (2-0): Weekend “Tigers” update: Auburn Tigers host LSU Tigers, Missouri Tigers at Purdue, Detroit Tigers at Cleveland, Hamilton Tiger-Cats host Calgary, Siegfried & Roy at Mirage. (1)
2: Alabama (2-0): Tide leads Ole Miss series, 50-9-2, but ol’ “Miss Terry” reminds hubby he's only 2-2 since 2013. (2)
3: Oklahoma (2-0): UCLA reports the last baseball player to run that fast on its defense was Jackie Robinson in an inter-squad scrimmage. (3)
4: Clemson (2-0): With Texas A&M out of the way Clemson can now retire to the recreation room at ACC Shady Acres. (6)
5: Georgia (2-0): Team’s official anti-realignment nighttime prayer: “Now I lay me down to sleep, in the SEC East please do keep. (6)[membership level="0"] The rest of this article is available to subscribers only - to become a subscriber click here.[/membership] [membership]
6: Ohio State (2-0): Columbus Commission on Urban Affairs rules Meyer cannot retroactively count Iowa (2017) as the third game he sat out. (4)
7: Wisconsin (2-0): Jonathan Taylor describes 253-yard game against New Mexico as a frolic through “The Land of Enchantment.” (5)
8: Stanford (2-0): The 1941 team that held USC without a TD also defeated Santa Clara, host city for this year’s College Football Playoff champ game. (11)
9: Washington (1-1): ESPN reiterates email to UW AD re-Mark Jones--“Childish behavior that is unacceptable”--was not an old cut-and-paste re Steven A. Smith. (10)
10: Notre Dame (2-0): Manager of Temple Bar in Dublin says Irish need to raise team’s 2.8 yards-per-carry average to the alcohol content of Guinness (4.1). (8)
11: LSU (2-0): Coach O puts great grandson of Captain Kangaroo on scholarship this week to return kicks against Auburn’s new hot-shot Aussie punter. (9)
12: Arizona State (2-0): A successful season in Tempe will be one win for every vein popping out of Herm’s forehead. (NR)
13: West Virginia (2-0): The Weather Channel releases broadcast team for this week’s action: Jim Cantore and Stephanie Abrams. (13)
14: Virginia Tech (2-0): Last home game canceled by weather (2000) involved Michael Vick, Georgia Tech, a petrified Rankman in press box and a lightning strike that totaled Lee Corso’s rental. (15)
15: Mississippi State (2-0): Former Fordham coach building a defensive front some are calling “The Seven Blocks holding up a 1973 Chevy.”
16: Boise State (2-0): Outgained UConn last week in total yards, 818 to 193. How do you top that? UCan’t. (16)
First Four Out
Texas Christian: Gary Patterson and suspended coach Urban Meyer will meet for a virtual reality midfield pregame greet co-hosted by Skype, ScoopNScore, Snapchat, SnapCount, Instagram and InstaReplay.
Penn State: School finally halts Heisman campaign after learning the 100-plus yards Saquon Barkley gained last weekend were for the New York Giants.
Michigan State: Coach can’t take temperature on state of program because thermometer blew up in Tempe.
Michigan: Smart transfer: Ex-Ole Miss QB Shea Patterson goes from playing Alabama this week to Southern Methodist.
Next Four Never
Florida State: Needed 14 fourth-quarter points to beat Samford, still had to write a check for $500,000 and once defended Jameis Winston as a stand-up (on a lunch table top) guy.
Lamar: Quick turnaround: Couldn’t score a single point in an 0-77 loss to Texas Tech only one week after scoring 70 in opening win over Kentucky Christian.
Rutgers: Scarlet Fevers have been outscored by Ohio State, 166-3, in the last three meetings, prompting the battle cry "We've got stop meeting like this!"
UConn: School that once played in a Fiesta Bowl went Code Siesta Blue last week in a 62-7 loss at Boise State.[/membership]