Rankman's Super Duper Ranking\comments, Week 7

Summer is over and a cold chill just blew into the offices of Mark Helfrich (Eugene), Brian Kelly (South Bend), Charlie Strong (Austin) and the CEO of Samsung (Seoul), which is NOT going to make the four-team SPF (Smart Phone Playoff), but is still way better than the crazy leader of the North Division. Big games in the top 10-ish this week feature higher-seeds Ohio State and Alabama going on the road at Wisconsin and Tennessee in matchups that feature school colors in shades of crimson, gray, cardinal, white and “Trump” orange. Our big “riser” was Texas A&M, which jumps five spots for finally not losing its sixth game this season. A tip of the “Golden Hat” to Oklahoma, which toppled Texas in the annual Red River\Roof\Riding Hood\Grange\Fox\Barber\Murff\Klotz\Smith\Lobster\Skelton\ Sanders\Auerbach\October, Hunt for\Herring\Schoendienst\Adair\Buttons\Holtzman\Rooster Rivalry, which used to be known as “Shootout” before Texas got all sensitive about guns and stuff. Rankman never covered a Texas\Oklahoma game at the Cotton Bowl, on the grounds of the state fair, without first eating a funnel cake wrapped in a turkey leg, then soaked in fried butter, and washed down with six pack of Shiner Bock. Had to go light because the game starts at 11 a.m. local time. [membership level="0"] The rest of this article is available to subscribers only - to become a subscriber click here.[/membership] [membership]

1: Ohio State (5-0): Rankman gets “Urban Outfitters” gift card just in time to dress up as Woody for Halloween. (1)

2: Alabama (6-0): Tide has won nine straight against Saturday’s opponent; one more makes it an even “Ten”nessee. (2)

3: Michigan (6-0): Harbaugh says Peppers reminds him of Jim Thorpe. Peppers says Harbaugh reminds him of Jim McMahon. (3)

4: Clemson (6-0): Swinney’s brother Todd stars in ACC production of “The Demon Deacon Barber of Fleet Street.” (4)

5: Washington (6-0): Huskies pulled off biggest opponent “score” on Oregon campus since 1970s filming of Animal House. (5)

6: Texas A&M (6-0): Rankman loves Aggie band’s new version of “Shout” by Trevor Knight and the Days. (11)

7: Louisville (4-1): Siri whispers to Petrino that only she can provide Cardinals a road map back to college football playoff. (6)

8: Wisconsin (4-1): Hosting Ohio State in battle of Bucky the Badger vs. Buckeye the species of genus Aesculus glabra. (8)

9: Boise State (5-0): Random thought: last two programs Petersen coached are 11-0; last two programs Charlie Weis coached are 3-8. (10)

10: Nebraska (5-0): Plays at Indiana in Trump Bowlalooza, a “tremendous” showdown of red states with eight total wins and 16 electoral votes. (12)

11: Tennessee (5-1): Vols hoping to turn tide in annual “Third Saturday in October loss to Alabama” classic. (9)

12: Baylor (5-0): Is it me, Toto, or is Baylor playing Kansas for the fifth time since Labor Day? (16)

13: Virginia Tech (4-1): This guy Fuente from Memphis is so hot he should change name to Justin En Fuego.

14: Florida State (4-2): Bowden to self in mirror: “Dad-gum, a botched kicked got US a win against Miami?”

15: Navy (4-1): Win over Houston earned players one ship in bottle, two juice boxes and three slices of navel oranges.

16: Houston (5-1): One loss to Navy only drops you out of top 10. One more loss, though, drops you out of Big 12.

First Four Out

Miami: School threatening to sue announcer who mentioned kicker had made 72 consecutive extra points.

Oklahoma: Nothing so bad about a lousy two-loss season that a win over two-bit Texas can’t cure.

West Virginia: Congratulations on the fine season Rankman just realized you were having.

Auburn: Gag&Prankster.com moves Gus Malzahn status off “hot seat” to “whoopee” cushion.

Honorary Poll Bearers

Arizona State (Ok, God, time to turn off your furnace,) Ole Miss (QB Kelly voted in HS “Most likely to come back and start fight at brother’s game), Western Michigan (My apologies: “P.J.” in P.J. Fleck stands Philip John, not Pancake Jones), Florida (willing to play LSU on any neutral-field in Gainesville), Stanford (I’m Walt Harris and I disapprove this message), USC (overcoming lack of head-coach production), Colorado (Coach Mac visits amusement park and “with a Boulder on my shoulder, feeling kinda of older, I tripped the merry-go-round), LSU (RIP Mike VI, you earned your stripes), UCLA (three plays from undefeated, not that anyone seems to care), Washington State (More bad news for The Donald: Leach says he can’t deliver Eastern Washington).

Next Four Never

Rutgers: An 84-0 loss to Illinois this week would mean being outscored, 222-0, in its last three defeats.

Oregon: Phil Knight looking to develop a shoe that will kick Oregon football in the ass.

Kansas: Had Texas Christian on the ropes but bad teams find ways to lose games. Ask the San Diego Chargers.

Boston College: Main office confirms school is still “technically” a member of ACC in football and basketball.[/membership]