I read somewhere that early-season rankings are ridiculous, useless, baseless, misleading, indicative of nothing and should not even be considered before October. So, let’s get right to this week’s suspicious index of nervous breakdowns. Auburn made Rankman look like Einstein by proudly taking its preseason No.1 status into Atlanta and squeaking out a 21-16 win over U-Flubbed. That victory should carry Auburn until it hosts LSU, in the early battle of SEC West Tigers, on Sept. 15. Auburn scored the best first-weekend win but the most impressive team may have been Oklahoma, which jumped to a 42-0 lead over pretty-decent FAU and now hosts 30-point underdog UCLA this weekend. The Big 12 owns the nation’s biggest disparity between top and bottom, Oklahoma vs. Kansas, which thank god don’t meet until November, although we wish they would never meet…Our early “riser” award goes to LSU, which jumped from not ranked to No. 9 after leaving Team Turnover Chain in a mess. Miami joins Florida State among early-season frauds and so, obviously, anyone who put these teams in their preseason polls was “wide right.”
1: Auburn (1-0): Bravo. Tigers now have a win over Washington in the tank and don’t leave the state again until Oct. 6. (1)
2: Alabama (1-0): “Maria, I screamed at a girl named Maria. And suddenly that name, will never be the same to me. Maria.” (2)[membership level="0"] The rest of this article is available to subscribers only - to become a subscriber click here.[/membership] [membership]
3: Oklahoma (1-0): Aikman started at Oklahoma, broke his leg, transferred to UCLA, graduated at age 42, helped hire Chip Kelly and is taking OK plus-30 on Saturday. (8)
4: Ohio State (1-0): Urban admits returning to work this week is really cutting into his quality statement-writing time. (14)
5: Clemson (1-0): Offered to pay Furman Paladins off ($360,000) in cash, FCS food stamps, Piggly Wiggly script, bitcoin or tickets to this year’s CFP champ game. (4)
6: Georgia (1-0): Bulldogs dropped one spot this week for scheduling Austin and two spots for scheduling Peay. (3)
7: Wisconsin (1-0): Badgers showed glimpses against W. Kentucky but new "Head Breakfast Coach" Paul Crisp would like to see more snap, crackle and pop. (5)
8: Notre Dame (1-0): Father O’Flannery asks Sunday congregation to read aloud from missal starting with paragraph “Faith has been restored…” (13)
9: LSU (1-0): Coach O fries up Louisiana swamp rat and grits on a hot-seat plate for latest episode of foodie show "Bizarre Diction Cajun Kitchen." (NR)
10: Washington (0-1): Uncalled curbside ATL airport announcement: “The Washington red zone offense is for fumbling and botched field goals only…’’ (9)
11: Stanford (1-0): K.J. Costello to JJ Arcega-Whiteside best Bay Area pass-catch combo since JC (Joseph Clifford) Montana to JL (Jerry Lee) Whiteside-Rice.” (12)
13: West Virginia (1-0): Updated list of great coaches from WV who couldn’t wait to get out: Nick Saban, Lou Holtz, Fielding Yost, John McKay. (11)
14: Michigan State (1-0): Dantonio’s stone face during Utah State game will be donated to the Rodin School for Aspiring Sparty Sculptors. (7)
15: Virginia Tech (1-0): After win over Willie's Taggerts the phone operator at Hokie switchboard needs help handling in-coming congratulatory calls from Eugene. (NR)
16: Boise State\Fresno (1-0, 1-0): Three-headed MWC monster loses SD State but remaining parts win by combo of 135-33. (16)
First Four Out
TCU: Disrespected coach at Rankman’s Top 16 Frogs & Things Diner asks waitress: “What does it take to get a menu around here?”
USC: United Airlines Memorial Coliseum boasts “economy-plus” end zone seating and on-time arrival for pregame marching bands.
Penn State: Franklin admits after Appalachian State the only hair he had left to lose was eyebrow and nostril.
Michigan: Best of Harbaugh\Mike Gundy compilation goes something like “Come after me, I’m not 40, but I am 0-17 against the road vs. ranked opponents.”
Next Four Never
THE Oregon State University: Understatement quote from Coach Smith after Beavs allowed 721 yards at Ohio State: “We didn’t tackle all that well.”
Kansas: “The sun is going to come out tomorrow,” Coach David Beatty promised after Nicholls State loss. Just to be sure he set his Sunday alarm for 6 a.m.
Florida Atlantic: Charter pilot "Haden" assured Coach Kiffin he wouldn't divert to LAX after 63-14 loss at Oklahoma.
UCLA: Looked like a Chip Kelly offense except for all the excitement, tempo, scoring and sideline flip cards.[/membership]