It’s time to unleash the listing monster: Rankmanstein? No, it’s RankmanSTEEN. God bless you, Gene Wilder. Rankman has changed addresses to TMG but other than that it’s the same tub of language large. Each season we lay down the ground rules. These rankings are for entertainment purposes only. Also: No biting, gouging, expectorating, exfoliating, or loitering around the restroom down near “first four out.” There are also no operators standing by, no lifeguards on duty and no time for sergeants. The white zone continues to be for loading, and unloading, of Arkansas Coach Bret Bielema only. There is no chipping in the putting area, or putting in the chipping area. Field goal kickers, remember to replace your divots. Let’s all have a fun time this season cheering, or jeering, for old Notre Dame. Lou Holtz wants us all to relax, open a bottle of Crown Royal, and enjoy the biased east-coast coverage.[membership level="0"] The rest of this article is available to subscribers only - to become a subscriber click here.[/membership] [membership]
1: Notre Dame (0-0): “Long term” Brian Kelly wants to end career in South Bend and then be buried there, but not by Digger Phelps.
2: Clemson (0-0): No more jokes about program except one more real good one Steve Spurrier is thinking up right now.
3: Alabama (0-0): Might be voted preseason No.1 even if entire roster was reported missing on Bermuda Triangle boat cruise.
4: Michigan (0-0): Harbaugh prepares for opener by changing from khakis into jump suit and then showing team remastered Elvis flick: “Big Blue Hawaii.”
5: LSU (0-0): Verne and Gary of CBS handed Fournette the Heisman on Wednesday at a mock SEC coverage table reading.
6: Florida State (0-0): Perfect timing as Monday's game with Ole Miss in Orlando coincides with annual convention of NCAA interrogators and investigators.
7: Oklahoma (0-0): Wondering: if Sooners nut up and win 13 games this season, would that make it a Baker’s Mayfield dozen?
8: Tennessee (0-0): Expectations in Knoxville this year are said to be larger than Peyton Manning’s forehead
9: Michigan State (0-0): Not getting much respect for a team that once held Alabama to 38 points in a national semi playoff game.
10: Ohio State (0-0): Urban asks baseball legend Tim Tebow to teach players how to field gopher-hole bad hops at Big Ten stadiums.
11: Oregon (0-0): Can’t wait to see new QB Dakota Prukop from Montana State and\or Montana Prukop from Dakota State.
12: Stanford (0-0): Some Heisman voters in the Deep South are said to doubt whether star tailback is a real “Christian.”
13: UCLA (0-0): You’ll know Rosen has soured on local newspaper coverage if comes to practice wearing an (F—tronc) ball cap.
14: USC (0-0): It would be just like Bama to break out the Wishbone formation on USC. Hey, it fooled John McKay once.
15: Washington (0-0): At halftime the UDub student card section plans to spell out Rutgers’ name in Scarlet letters.
16: Boise State (0-0): Wins over Washington State and Oregon State would make you guys Rankman’s dark horse pick in the Pac North.
First four out:
Houston: Nightmare scenario is getting snubbed by Big 12 and then Tom Herman taking Texas job.
Georgia: Tough gig for new coach, no dummy, who has to raise bar from man who averaged 10 wins a year.
Oklahoma State: Can’t believe coach who once screamed at reporter, “I’m a man, I’m 40!” is now 49.
Texas Christian: Team that opened last year as Rankman’s preseason No.1 must earn back his trust—and stay healthy![/membership]